Wallie, my husband, last Friday, called and let me know he would be coming home late.
When Wallie arrived home he brought in this big huge box.
“What the fuck is that?” I asked.
“Well Arma, I decided to quit the gym”
“Really, I didn’t even know you went to the gym, when did all this happen?”
Wallie looked at me like I had two heads.
“Arma, I told you last year I joined a gym”
Hmmmmm, I thought to myself for a second.
“Oh YEA!!!!!!!!! I remember, but I didn’t think you actually joined, I thought it was just another one of your phases. I actually never saw you leave the house with any duffle bag and I am the one who has to wake you up each morning to go to work and you know you’re always home for dinner, so I never knew you went”
Wallie, in his own innocent way, like it supposed to make sense to me. “Well that was the problem about joining the gym, I never went and I’ve been paying them a monthly fee for a year now.”
Mental note, MUST REMEMBER TO LOOK AT FINANCES EACH MONTH, you heard it here people, I am committed.
“Well, I’m glad you quit the gym so we won’t be paying for those fees anymore. Now what’s in the box?”
Wallies eyes lit up like a child at Christmas. “It’s a treadmill!” he said with such enthusiasm. “I figure if I can’t go to the gym, I’ll bring the gym to me, plus it was on sale”
Ok, calm down, I took a deep breath because I know my Wallie. Give it one week and we will have a new clothes hanger.
I try to muster some supportive words for Wallie, but it wasn’t easy. So all I said was “great”. And thats ‘great’ with a small g.
He looks at me, “I know what you’re thinking Arma, is that I will never use it, but I will, I’ll show you, think of all the money we will save. No wasting gas to get to the gym, no more waking up on cold mornings warming the car up in the pitch black, and no more spending hundreds of dollars to work out”
I would agree with Wallie if he actually went to the gym. But he never went. “Your write Wallie, it will save us money.” On the money that we flushed down the toilet each month for the fucking fee, you know how many shoes I could have bought with that money. Geeeshhhhh!.
So I left the living room to attend to dinner and left Wallie with his new toy.
I woke up to start my day. Wallie had stayed up later as he was still building the treadmill. I got myself a cup of coffee and went into the living room to relax a few before the kids got up.
Low and behold, Wallie had not finished setting up the treadmill. My living room was a mess. IT was one big huge work station, nuts and bolts all over the floor, neatly stacked poles and pads, handbooks and directions all over the floor like someone is trying to put together a timeline of some murder.
A CD with some muscle guy, who looks about 20. (I am almost 90% sure that Wallie thinks he will look like this kid and that’s why he bought it, SUCKER)
Wallie wakes up and comes downstairs. “I took off from work today to finish, I don’t even want to hear it”
Mind you, I didn’t say anything to Wallie, he just knows me that well, and I am sure the look of disapproval on my face was just too hard to hide.
He interrupted me, “ep ep ep, I said I don’t want to hear it.”
What could I do but get the kids up and get ready for work.
Treadmill parts have appeared to multiple overnight. Our living room floor was gone.
Wallie is in a sweat. “Look, it’s almost done. Can you believe it? Putting this together was its own workout ha ha ha”.
I actually didn’t find that funny at all. I know Wallie is starting to feel the stress of getting this thing up and running so I don’t have to look at him with my evil eye.
I guess I wouldn’t be upset if I knew he would actual use it. Wallie loves his TV way too much. He always has. He loves to get home from work, change into his sweat pants and sit on the recliner with his feet up and with clicker in hand, you can just tell that he is now in paradise.
“You know Arma, this is much harder than I thought, you would think they would have professionals come over and do it for you”
“Wallie, I’m sure it comes with a help number, just give them a call”
“I can do it, I just need a break right now. This is hard work. My back is killing me”
That night I gave Wallie a bengay back rub.
Break Wallie was in to much pain to do anything.
“Uh, Wallie, I hate to bring this up, but maybe it’s time to pack it up and return it. It just doesn’t seem to be worth it at this point. It’s already been a full week and it’s really not looking like the picture on the box.”
“Just give me today, it will be done”.
I got home from work and to my surprise, the treadmill was DONE!
“I didn’t even have to call the help number!” Wallie yelled
Uh, and that’s something to be proud of? And that is why men hate to ask for directions, it’s all a pride thing, like they can do it themselves. I have no idea why they are like that, I wouldn’t think less of Wallie if he called the help line, but for some reason, he has this idea in his head that if he asks for help he is not a MAN. Ladies, let’s not bother trying to figure that out, I think it’s more of a mental health issue.
“So, did you try the treadmill yet?”
“Uh, not yet, my back is still killing me and this was a big enough work out as it is. I think I lost like 5 lbs.” I didn’t say anything to Wallie but I don’t think you can lose 5 lbs by tightening a bunch of screws while sitting on a floor and eating potato chips and drinking a beer in between screwing each nut and bolt.
The reality is he did have sweat from his forehead but it wasn’t from a workout, it was from not doing any exercise since he joined the gym last year.
Box and garbage cleaned up. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!! He did it without a verbal prompt from me.
“Wallie, when are you planning on moving that thing, as I really don’t want it in the middle of the living room?”
“Uh, later today”
I looked at Wallie, and knew that he wasn’t planning on moving it at all. He would be fine to just leave it in the middle of the living room in case the urge hits him to walk on it.
Wallie moves his treadmill up to his office. A place we both agreed to after I explained to Wallie that even though he loves his office, he never used it. His office was usually the kitchen table.
Wallie still wasn’t pleased with the idea, so I said “hey, maybe we can turn the office into a little gym”
Wallie smiled and said “yea, we can get a weight set, even one of those stair climbing thinging machines”
“Yea Wallie, lets plan on that” I knew damn well this was never going to happen. First off, the treadmill can barely fit in the office.
Nothing to report except that Project Runway all stars is on. Have not heard any grunts from the office. However, I did see Wallie sitting on his recliner.
Nothing to report. Still no grunts from the office, Oh, I mean the gym room.
I went upstairs to put some laundry away and decided to take a little peek in Wallies ‘gym room’. And there it was. This big machine that took up at least a half of the room. And laying on the treadmill was a towel, pair of pants with a belt still on it, and a shirt. Yep, looks like Wallie has found his own personal closet.
At least were saving money on the gym fees. I just close the office door and promised myself never to ask Wallie how his workouts are going. I think I’ll go by a pair of shoes.